Feeling better

Well, it's been 2 1/2 days since my dreaded phone call and I am feeling a little better. I truly was not expecting negative results, although I guess deep down I kind of had a feeling because my body just didn't feel like how I thought I should feel.

Here is what happened: I went in first thing on Friday morning to have my blood drawn. I had forgotten to bring down my orders from my dr. (duh, I know) so I had to call my nurse and ask her to fax them down. She said she would fax them at 7:30am (Boise time). When we got to St. Luke's, they said they didn't have my fax, so we waited and waited and still nothing. Finally the girl that registered me called the emergency nurse line at my dr.'s office and had them fax it down. What a nice lady.

A few minutes later, it arrived and I was whisked back to have my blood drawn. I asked that they make sure they put it through quickly because I was anxious for the results. I knew that my dr.'s office had a few retrievals and transfers so I probably wouldn't be getting my results until the end of the day. I went back to my parent's, hung out for awhile then my sister and I went shopping. I told her I wanted to be back at my parent's house early in the day because last time I got the news at work, during a broadcast and it was horrible. She said we could go home early enough to get the call. We promised the kids "Old McDonald's" for lunch so we stopped in there with the plan to go home afterwards.

It was minutes after we got our food at McDonald's and sat down that I got the call. My nurse said "Miss Jennifer" and by the tone I knew. I started shaking my head "no" and then she said, "it's really not good. It was negative, I'm sorry. Your number was less than 1".
I believe the number has to be at least over 5, so less than 1 means none of the embryos implanted. None. 3 perfect embryos, and not one of them found my uterus inhabitable. (cue my crying). She said to stop all my meds and shots (with the exception of my prenatal because that is always good to take), and to call her the first day of my period and we will talk more and at that time can schedule a follow-up with my dr. to form our plan for the future. I said ok, and thank you.

Why the heck I said "thank you" is beyond me. What was I thanking her for? Thank you for telling me that I have spent over $26,000, sacrificed 8 months of my life, gone through hell and back, complications, heartbreak, pain from shots, ovarian hyper stimulation, 2 cancelled cycles, 5 hysterscopes, 1 d&c, no exercise, limited amounts of sex, no caffeine, no alcohol, time away from my son and husband, time off of work, weight gain, crabbiness, crying, being hopeful and actually convincing myself I might be pregnant - yes, thanks for delivering me the bad news, I guess.

Ok, ok I'm feeling a little better, but apparently I have hit a patch of anger (we've been trying to get pregnant for 6 long years) - this too will subside as I know all too well. I will pick myself back up, I will go through with the third try and I will once again be hopeful...just not yet.

I am planning to take some time off from IVF (maybe 4 months or so). I first have to wait and hear what my dr. says which is another complicated issue. He will most likely say that I cannot go through the stimulation phase again because I have to have another D&C, and my ovarian hyper stimulation means it will probably happen to me again. He might think that my uterus is worse off than he originally thought, and that I might not be able to carry children. Boo for that. Of course, he may say this last try was a fluke and my 3rd try has every chance of success. Let's hope for that.

In the meantime, I am trying to work our finances so that we can start the adoption process again. If anyone wins the lottery, feel free to throw some money my way :-) We have a couple agencies that we are looking into, but I implore anyone reading this to please, please put the word out. We had success with our first adoption through word of mouth and we really believe that is the best way to go. I know some of you are probably thinking, I don't move in circles where people are giving their babies up for adoption. But you would be surprised, we know many couples who adopted from word of mouth. It seems everyone knows a friend of a friend, or a cousin's boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. If you hear of anything, please consider us and pass on our info.

I will keep posting; this blog as served me well as a release of my stress. My period should be starting any minute (which really just adds insult to injury), so I will be having a discussion with my nurse (which of course I will be posting here), and then I will blog again after we meet with our dr. - which should have all the details of our future plans.

Lastly, thank you all so much for your support. I was wary of letting so many people a) know that we were doing IVF and b) letting so many people view my blog which detailed every step of the way. I have had nothing but positive support and it has meant the world to me.

If you feel like following my blog further, than check back mid-week for the update.

Thanks again....