Mixed emotions

Today was a sad and amazing day all wrapped into one.

We arrived for our ultrasound at 7am, anxious to see these little babies. Bobby hasn't been to the last 2, so I was excited for him to hear the heartbeats and couldn't wait to see how they've changed in the two weeks since my last ultrasound.

We were the only ones there, so it was nice and quiet (with the exception of Connor commentating - which was really cute). She first went from baby to baby, looking for heartbeats and doing a quick glance at size. Then she was going to go back and do the measuring. When she arrived at our little one, the straggler, I noticed right away that it was really little. She stayed on this one for about 5 minutes, looking from all angles. I knew that our little baby didn't make it and started to tear up. She said she was sorry, that there was no heartbeat. I asked if we had lost it, and she said she was sorry...we had lost it. And then she showed me how small it was in relation to the other two. It was teeny tiny. She estimated it at 8 weeks growth. Which means if it was growing at a slower rate, it probably held on for just about one week after my last ultrasound. We were all quiet for a few moments, letting it sink in that we no longer were expecting triplets...that we would never meet our little straggler who fought so hard to rebound and tried it's hardest to survive. The ultrasound tech said that because we are still pregnant with 2 other babies, this one would be re-absorbed at some point and I probably wouldn't even experience spotting.

This visit was so bittersweet because after we got the sad news, she had to move on to check the other two. We were excited about seeing our thriving twins, but our hearts felt a little heavy at this excitement because it in no way took away the loss we were feeling.

The twins are going strong. They measure at 10w3d and 10w2d...right on track, and their heartbeats were 162 and 167, also really good. They looked so great...so cute. They are actually starting to look like babies. Here are some pics...Baby A is laying on it's back, it's head is on the left. Baby B is laying on it's side, it's head is also on the left. Baby B is kind of hard to see because it isn't a profile, rather it's looking right at you. You can kind of see it's little tiny arms.

It was really cool because as we were looking at one, I was talking to the tech and Bobby said, "Is it moving!?! I think it's moving...". We all looked, and sure enough that little baby was moving like crazy. It looked like it was trying to grab it's feet (Baby A). It was so funny. Connor was thrilled to see it move -I think it's neat for him to get to see these little ones grow. Baby B would not be outdone and had some dance moves of it's own, but it was doing more of a hip wiggle and floating thing. It was kind of hard for the tech to see Baby B so she had to push down a little because Baby C was in the way...Connor got stern with her because she was smooshing the babies feet. I was proud that he could actually make out the little baby on the screen. When we heard the heartbeats, Connor said the babies were singing him a choo choo song. I guess heartbeats sound like a train on a track to him. The tech recapped all the info for us, printed us some pictures and sent us on our way.

As we were walking out to the car, Connor said he was so glad he got to see the triplets. We said we were glad too, but then we had to explain that we were no longer having triplets, but that we would be having 2 babies instead. I think that simple explanation was enough...he still seems excited with the 2 babies.

Losing a baby when you still have twins is so weird. I can't explain the feeling...it's sort of like this weight on my heart, yet my heart still soars. I make myself feel better by telling myself that we are still expecting 2 babies, that things will be easier, that I can deliver in Moscow and might not have to have a c-section, that I will probably have a healthier pregnancy....all the things that make it sting a little less. The people at the RE's office are so nice and one of the dr.'s just called to check on me to see how I was doing. Gotta love the care they give, it's nice to have such attentive people taking care of us.

I have another appointment on Monday. This one is with the Dr. to measure my uterus and do some perlim testing. I think they are going to pop me in to the ultrasound room so they can check on the babies to make sure everything is ok with the twins and that the third baby isn't affecting them in anyway. I will blog again after that appointment. Oh, and I was going to announce to work today, but I think I will wait. I just thought I would get too emotional talking about it, and nobody wants to see a hormonal pregnant women crying at the office.

Till next time....