Drawing the line....

Where we do we draw the line? (warning - this is a super super long post!)

That was the question of the day yesterday...But let me start from the beginning.

We had our follow-up, or as I've seen posted by other IVFers, our WTF, appointment yesterday. Bobby was able to go with me and I was happy to have him there. On the drive up we talked about what we thought the dr. would say and came to an agreement that no matter what, we were done with IVF after this next round...if it didn't work we would move forward with adoption - we were getting excited about adoption again...we were all smiles, hope and happiness.

We get to the appointment and as we are waiting Bobby sees a Newsweek that had this huge article on Epilepsy that he wanted to read. (this info isn't really important, but I refer back to it later). Just as we are about to read the article, the Dr. calls us back to his office.

We sit down and he starts talking to us about how we had 3 perfect embryos transferred and none implanted. Duh! We were there, tell us something we don't know. Then he said he's pretty sure that we are looking at an implantation/attachment issue which they can't really do anything about because that is the one area that they just don't have a lot of control over. He said that we were at a little disadvantage because of my overstim and having to do a frozen cycle (I guess your odds are a third of the odds of a fresh cycle). So, he says he wants to go ahead with a fresh cycle this next go-around.

I asked about my polyps and he said we would do another hysterscope to see how much they've grown. If not much, then he can put me on an endometrial suppression until we start the series, but if they have grown back then I'll need another D and C. We asked a bunch of questions...about assisted hatching - which he said wasn't really for our situation, although he did say that if this fresh didn't work and we did another fresh, that he would transfer 4 embryos on day 3. The only problem would be that if all 4 embryos took, we would have to do a "reduction" because of the size of my uterus (it's kind of small). This was a big fat "No" on our part, we would not do a day 3 because we would never consider reduction. That took care of that option.

Then we asked what he thought was going on and he said he really didn't know. That although it was most likely an attachment issue he can't say for certain. And that all 11 embryos that we froze were perfect quality, but it could be that they aren't progressing once in utero. That I have an "odd uterus". That we have stumped him and he can't tell us what is wrong. GRRRRR.....we went through this for either a pregnancy or closure (and by closure, I mean the Doc giving us a reason why after 6 years, we have yet to get pregnant.). Looks like we might not get either.

He felt so bad for us that he told us that if we wanted to pay the fee for the frozen transfer we did in March ($3500), that he wouldn't count that as one of our 3 tries and we could have 2 more fresh cycles. I heard this and I don't know if it was the money we would save or the chance to try "just one more time" after this next time, but it was like I had drunk the kool-aid...screw the plan Bobby and I had agreed on - I was on-board for this new option. We told the Doc that we would have to think about it, but in my mind I thought "heck yes, wrap it up, we'll take it".

Then he told us that if after the next 2 fresh cycles didn't work, we might need to consider a gestational host..dun dun dunnnnnnnnn! There it was. If it doesn't work soon, we are in fact in that 7% that can't get pregnant with IVF. If it didn't work the next 2 times, the doc thought we should explore that "host" option. We told him we weren't thrilled with the idea of having a host, although we might have one waiting in the wings, and that we would probably just rather pursue adoption. He looked at us like we were crazy and told us adoption wasn't a great choice.
* ok, read your chart buddy...because we have already adopted and it was wonderful *
He went on and on about how expensive adoption was (ummm...about $9000 less than what we've spent on not getting pregnant in his office) and how there are often a lot of complications - K, cause IVF has been so smooth for us. Finally I interrupted him and told him that we had already adopted and that pretty much rendered him speechless.
We talked a little longer, agreed to do the fresh cycle in June and then he took us to a room to meet with our nurse.

In the room, she said that we will be doing the long down regulation again, but this time I will be doing half the dose of meds that I did last time and they would monitor me more closely for hyperstim. I am to call the first day of my cycle, and start on birth control. At that point, we will schedule my hysterscope. Bobby and I asked her about the deal the Doc had offered us, and were wondering if we could wait to pay the $3500 until after we found out if the 3rd try worked. She said she would ask the finance people, but she thought it would be one of those "you pay it and if you get pregnant the third try you wouldn't get it back, so you kind of risk it kind of things". Kind of like the 3 times option, if you pay for 3 and get pregnant the first try, you don't get any sort of refund. We both kind of balked at this. If it did work, we will have paid an extra $3500 for nothing! We finished talking and then got up to leave. When we got to the elevator, I noticed Bobby still had the magazine. He said he decided to steal it and he was kind of fired up when he said this. He's so cute...as an act of rebellion about being asked to spend even more money and being pissed at the Doc for being so down on adoption, he decided to steal their magazine. He's crazy when he's mad, I tell ya :-)

So, we get in the car and go back and forth about paying for the frozen transfer to get our 2 tries back. It was a gut wrenching decision. Could we afford to do 2 fresh cycles because even though they are part of our 3 tries, we still have to pay for meds (a couple thousand), hysterscopes 9$450 each), d & c ($6000 if my insurance won't cover them) and any number of things that pop up? At this point we have already spent double what we thought we would spend. Can I take the loss if they both don't work. If it does work, will we be upset that we spent the extra $3500 for nothing? There is a possibility that we could still hyperstim and end up doing a frozen cycle anyway. How will doing more cycles affect our time with Connor? Will we have money left over to adopt? When do we say when? When do we draw the line?

Finally at the end of the day, we decided to NOT pay the $3500. We went into this thinking we would have 3 tries. That was our plan and we're stickin to it! If they don't work, we will adopt and maybe in a year or two try to do a frozen transfer. Yes, maybe we don't get the 3 fresh tries. But we have one more chance in June. And we have to believe that it will work, and if it doesn't maybe I am not meant to be pregnant. But I know I am meant to be a mom, I love being a mom...but I also know that there are many ways to make a family and maybe we are trying to force a way that isn't meant to be. We could go on and on with IVF...the doc could say give me one more try, ok, now just one more try....at some point we have to lay our cards down and walk away from the table. At this point we can still do that without losing all of our money - if we keep doing IVF we'll sink ourselves into so much debt that we'll never be able to add to our family. It's just so easy to think that "this next time will be the time it will work", that you can easily lose sight of what is important. And for us that is adding to our family.

So, once we made the decision to stick to our plan and finish IVF with this June series, I felt peace . But I also felt a little sadness. One more try at getting pregnant and then I need to let it go. One more try and then I need to get back to the place I had finally managed to get to the first time we stopped infertility treatments. One more try - maybe we'll finally get it right, or maybe we'll be starting a new path (and a new blog) towards adoption.

I will be blogging during this third try, and it looks like things will start up here in about a week. If your still interested keep reading. If you have comments about our decision, I welcome them - even if they are comments of disagreement. I will post again soon. Third try, here we come!

Maybe going solo

Ok everyone...I only have 6 days until we meet with the Dr. to have our follow-up appointment. I'm now not sure if Bobby will be able to go with me. He said it depends on work, and that he'll know the night before. Great. Just what I want...to have to go and hear what the Doc suspects is wrong, by myself. AND to try to remember it to relay it to Bobby when I get home. The reason this frustrates me is that it is nice to double team this appointment. When I am processing info, Bobby always chimes in with great questions and vice versa. Now, I may have to process and chime - are these two tasks that I'm capable of? Who will I obsess about every word the doc said with on the drive home? These are seriously things that I worry about.

I also found a little glitch in my "series this summer" plan. I am not sure if my insurance will cover another D & C this year (or rather, so closely to the last one I had). If they won't, then I may have to wait till 2010, because the surgery costs right around $6000. My insurance covered it the first time, but I just don't know - damn those insurance companies that don't feel the need to cover infertility. I say Boo to them!

Ok, ok.....I am probably just freaking out about nothing, but I have little to occupy my mind when it comes to the future IVF so I think while I wait to hear from the Doc I have started creating drastic scenarios. It's really not a pretty side of me.

Alright, short blog I know - sorry I can't entertain today.

Till next time.....

Back to a normal life

I'm just posting because, frankly, I haven't posted in awhile and I kind of miss it. Things have been going really well lately. I am done with good old aunt flo for the month, and am feeling energetic and hopeful for the future.

Last Saturday Bobby decided I needed a little post IVF pampering, so he took me out to dinner and then home, where he arranged for Connor to go to Grandma's, he poured me a lovely glass of wine, and ran me a wonderful bath filled with rose petals, surrounded by roses and candles, and then he left me alone to soak in silence...ahhhhhhh! To quote the commercial, "the hubs....he's good". I was thrilled and ohhh so relaxed afterwards. I could get used to this kind of pampering :-)

My appointment with the Doc is in 2 weeks. Yay! I have a ton of questions, some of them supplied by you wonderful people - so thanks for those. They mostly include asking about assisted hatching, my uterine lining and other such wonderful topics. I feel like I am armed with great information to ask the doc, and hope that he can supply equally great answers.

But the other fabulous thing is our name has already been passed along to 2 pregnant people thinking about adoption...they are both long shots and I don't really expect either to work out - but the amazing thing is that I have such wonderful people in my life. When I said please put the word out, I was pleasantly surprised and touched at how soon people started "looking" for a possible addition to our family. It makes my heart swell to know that we are surrounded by so much love and I hope you all will continue to think of us if you hear of someone that wants to pursue an adoption plan.

That's about all that's been happening on the home front - I can say that through all this crazy IVF hullabaloo we managed to potty train Connor (with the exception of overnight) and transition him into a big boy bed. I feel proud of these accomplishments considering we were both working full time, and dealing with all this infertility stuff.

Oh, and I forgot to mention...I told you before that we were thinking about doing the June series, and we still are as of now. However, my job situation is iffy...if any of you have heard, WSU is taking a 29% cut and will be laying of at least 500 people - Yikes. This is good and bad. The good is: because of my position they have to give me 6 months notice or pay me 6 months severance - this means I might just decide to stay home full time (if we can get health insurance through our Construction company). The bad news is we might not be able to get health insurance very cheaply, plus the loss of income might interfere with future family plans. And the Iffy news is: we won't find out if I still have my job until sometime between June 1 and July 1. Which coincidentally falls right in the middle of the June IVF series. See my dilemma? I wonder if I want to add that stress? I guess we'll have to see what the doc says and then see what things look like at WSU in a month or so.

Ok, I always say I won't blog until my appointment, but let's be honest....I can't stay away. So I'll probably blog again soon.

Series Calendar has arrived!

I checked the mail yesterday and was happy to see that little envelope from the Center (ie Dr. Robin's office). I quickly opened it to see what will be in store for us in for 2009.
(Oh, and I hope you are all enjoying my blog's little "facelift" - I was getting bored with the old look and felt like something a little cheerier.)

The upcoming series are: 1) April/May 2) June 3) very end of August/September
4) November

Gosh, when you break the year up like that it doesn't seem like there are a lot of options to choose from. We looked it over and determined the November series is too far away, we want a break, but not that long of a break. I ruled out April mainly because it is so soon (we would start injections 2 days after our follow-up) but also because I have a sneaking suspicion that I will be having another D&C and the April series doesn't give us the time we need to do that. So April's out.

That leaves the June series and the August/Sept. series. Bobby declared the August/September series will interfere with football season (who can blame the guy...both of our series last year interfered with football, so I think he deserves a break). So that leaves us with June.
June should be good because it gives us time to take a little break, allows us to have any necessary "pre-series procedures" (say that five times fast), but is still soon enough that it won't feel like we are waiting forever for our series to start. Yep, June it is....of course this is all dependent on what the Dr. has to say. He may have some suggestions of his own on when we should start again :-)

I forgot to mention a little about what happens after you have a negative beta test...I know I told you that you immediately stop all meds and then your period starts. But I forgot to mention the "readjustment" time. This is the week after your negative test. During this time, you start your period (which if this is too much info, then turn away now because it's only gonna get worse) - this is the mother of all periods. Nobody tells you this...nobody tells you that the massive uterine lining of which you have been building up for the past weeks now has to exit your body in some way. Nobody tells you that in the process you experience pretty bad cramping, similar to if you had eaten bad Chinese food. And there seems to be a little hormone shift that occurs - ie. crabbiness and headaches. Now, had I not been through this before I probably would have thought it was a fluke, but I have had the same experience this time that I had the last time. It's no fun. I will be happy to have my regular life back for awhile. I am happy to report that since stopping my injections I have gleefully lost 5 pounds and am feeling much less lethargic. Woo hoo!

I will post again sometime before my follow-up appointment, and then I will be sharing all that the Dr. has to say after my appointment. For now, I am going to go outside and enjoy a nice, long walk in this beautiful spring weather we are having!

Scheduled my follow-up

Well, my cycle started this morning, so I called my nurse first thing. She asked how I was doing, and I told her that I felt better, but still a little upset. We talked for a bit and then she asked if I had thought about when I wanted to go for the third try. I told her that I didn't have a calendar for the 2009 series since I started both my first and second tries in 2008. The one I had asked for (and received) at one of my earlier appointments turned out to be an old 2008 form. She said that she would send me the 2009 series schedule so I can take a look at it.

She transferred me over to the front desk so that I could make a follow-up appointment with Dr. Robins. I waited on the line and waited on the line, and nobody picked up. So, I got impatient and hung up - I guess I am still feeling a little crabby. They called me back a short time later, and apologized for the wait and told me the earliest appointment they had was 11am on April 15th. Ugh - 3 weeks away. I asked if that was the soonest appointment and she said it was - man this Dr. is a busy guy. So, I took the appointment. I hope Bobby can get off work - I would have tried to make it at a better time, but was scared if I didn't take the first appointment, we would be waiting another month or two to talk to him.

Some of you may be confused at this point because I said that I needed a break from IVF and I wanted to wait a couple months...which is still the case. However, I do want to talk to the dr. so that I can hear why he thinks this last round didn't work, and what he plans to do in the next round. Also, if I have to do a D&C and then wait a month to heal afterwards, I would like to know that information so that I can plan accordingly.

So now I am back to waiting. I am becoming a pro at waiting. Bobby and I talked more about adoption last night. We both knew we would adopt again, so we started to get excited about the process. We also talked about possible things the dr. might say at our follow-up appt. and I began to formulate questions for the meeting we will have with him. If anyone can think of any good questions - let me know. I want to get all the info I can since this is will be our last time trying IVF.

I will probably blog when I get the series schedule, but there isn't a lot to say between now and our appointment.
Until then...

Feeling better

Well, it's been 2 1/2 days since my dreaded phone call and I am feeling a little better. I truly was not expecting negative results, although I guess deep down I kind of had a feeling because my body just didn't feel like how I thought I should feel.

Here is what happened: I went in first thing on Friday morning to have my blood drawn. I had forgotten to bring down my orders from my dr. (duh, I know) so I had to call my nurse and ask her to fax them down. She said she would fax them at 7:30am (Boise time). When we got to St. Luke's, they said they didn't have my fax, so we waited and waited and still nothing. Finally the girl that registered me called the emergency nurse line at my dr.'s office and had them fax it down. What a nice lady.

A few minutes later, it arrived and I was whisked back to have my blood drawn. I asked that they make sure they put it through quickly because I was anxious for the results. I knew that my dr.'s office had a few retrievals and transfers so I probably wouldn't be getting my results until the end of the day. I went back to my parent's, hung out for awhile then my sister and I went shopping. I told her I wanted to be back at my parent's house early in the day because last time I got the news at work, during a broadcast and it was horrible. She said we could go home early enough to get the call. We promised the kids "Old McDonald's" for lunch so we stopped in there with the plan to go home afterwards.

It was minutes after we got our food at McDonald's and sat down that I got the call. My nurse said "Miss Jennifer" and by the tone I knew. I started shaking my head "no" and then she said, "it's really not good. It was negative, I'm sorry. Your number was less than 1".
I believe the number has to be at least over 5, so less than 1 means none of the embryos implanted. None. 3 perfect embryos, and not one of them found my uterus inhabitable. (cue my crying). She said to stop all my meds and shots (with the exception of my prenatal because that is always good to take), and to call her the first day of my period and we will talk more and at that time can schedule a follow-up with my dr. to form our plan for the future. I said ok, and thank you.

Why the heck I said "thank you" is beyond me. What was I thanking her for? Thank you for telling me that I have spent over $26,000, sacrificed 8 months of my life, gone through hell and back, complications, heartbreak, pain from shots, ovarian hyper stimulation, 2 cancelled cycles, 5 hysterscopes, 1 d&c, no exercise, limited amounts of sex, no caffeine, no alcohol, time away from my son and husband, time off of work, weight gain, crabbiness, crying, being hopeful and actually convincing myself I might be pregnant - yes, thanks for delivering me the bad news, I guess.

Ok, ok I'm feeling a little better, but apparently I have hit a patch of anger (we've been trying to get pregnant for 6 long years) - this too will subside as I know all too well. I will pick myself back up, I will go through with the third try and I will once again be hopeful...just not yet.

I am planning to take some time off from IVF (maybe 4 months or so). I first have to wait and hear what my dr. says which is another complicated issue. He will most likely say that I cannot go through the stimulation phase again because I have to have another D&C, and my ovarian hyper stimulation means it will probably happen to me again. He might think that my uterus is worse off than he originally thought, and that I might not be able to carry children. Boo for that. Of course, he may say this last try was a fluke and my 3rd try has every chance of success. Let's hope for that.

In the meantime, I am trying to work our finances so that we can start the adoption process again. If anyone wins the lottery, feel free to throw some money my way :-) We have a couple agencies that we are looking into, but I implore anyone reading this to please, please put the word out. We had success with our first adoption through word of mouth and we really believe that is the best way to go. I know some of you are probably thinking, I don't move in circles where people are giving their babies up for adoption. But you would be surprised, we know many couples who adopted from word of mouth. It seems everyone knows a friend of a friend, or a cousin's boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend. If you hear of anything, please consider us and pass on our info.

I will keep posting; this blog as served me well as a release of my stress. My period should be starting any minute (which really just adds insult to injury), so I will be having a discussion with my nurse (which of course I will be posting here), and then I will blog again after we meet with our dr. - which should have all the details of our future plans.

Lastly, thank you all so much for your support. I was wary of letting so many people a) know that we were doing IVF and b) letting so many people view my blog which detailed every step of the way. I have had nothing but positive support and it has meant the world to me.

If you feel like following my blog further, than check back mid-week for the update.

Thanks again....

The results are.....

.....Negative. Devastated :-(